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Audemars Piguet jumps the shark all the way to the Hamptons

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Man, come on. What the heck is this Audemars Piguet abomination? It’s named after the Montauk Highway on Long Island and is apparently aimed at folks who summer at the Hamptons. But wait a minute: shouldn’t those folks be paying for their house shares and not dumping $20K for one of these limited edition preppy-themed monstrosities?

TIL Swarovski Is Serious About Watches

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Product placement FTW! Swarovski is apparently trying to flog watches more actively so they hired some time in a music video. How did I learn this information? From Brit’s violence-filled Criminal intro video where some American dude punches out a poncy Englishman and then rides off on his Harley while examining the Japanese-made watch on his wrist, Britney strapped to his back like a howler monkey.

Erotic watches: For the man who needs very little

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brequet erotic 1Before the Internet, when a gentleman wanted to polish the brass knobs of his dear mum’s armoire he would depend on his internal spank bank which, potentially, included nudes he had seen in postcards and museums as well as racy lines about breasts he may have read in the Bible. However, barring a visit to the local establishment of vice, there was little way to view two people giving it the old Charles and Diana, if you catch my meaning.

Thus they had to resort to horological erotic automata. These were watch movements featuring two or more figures giving each other a good, filling Hardee’s breakfast either on command or at a set time. These things appear in all sorts of watches including clocks, pocket-watches, and even modern wristwatches.

The Seah Zodiac has… OH GOD NO! MY EYES, MY EYES!!!

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How can they do this to an innocent Swiss chronograph movement? A chaste mechanism dressed like this and forced to walk the streets. I might not wear it myself, but I can understand a lady, a metro, or some other individual who enjoys a watch with gold finish, or a few diamond chips, or a little bit of color. But gold and lots of diamond chips and a lot of color… This is an offense against aesthetics, and sadly noone can prosecute.

I need to get a lot of eye-bleach and spend the next fortnight in silent meditation on a Panerai.

Are big watches over?

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Chad the Watch Guy is reporting that he’s seeing a max out in big watches at 42mm which means even rappers and oligarchs won’t go around wearing pie plates on their wrists for much longer. I can handle a 50mm+ sports watch, but 42mm is a bit big for a mechanical, non? Your thoughts?

The Party Don’t Start ‘Til Casio Hires Ke$ha To Half-Heartedly Design A Baby-G

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Ariel got some hot video of Ke$shaha talking about her sexy new Baby-G line! They come in red, white, and blue! And animal print! She wants Dave Grohl to wear her watch! Also Obama! What a great spokesperson!

Stephen D Time: When guerrilla marketing goes bad.

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I have nothing but respect for competent, innovative marketing tactics. But when marketers fail to their homework and are clumsy with an unconventional approach, I will be first in line to call the ugly baby ugly.

Stephen D Time tried a clumsy attempt at guerrilla marketing on Amazon.com. A shill entered into the discussion groups spouting the merits of Stephen D watches in a forum inhabited by a number of watch nerds, including yours truly. Rather than rant and flame, I tried to be open and look at the merits of the watch.

Bulgari: The Ugly Stick?

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Someone at Bulgari must have bought titanium futures because this diver is so thick and, dare I say it, ostentatious that I want to maybe make a little puke. I really never liked Bulgari and this kind of tells me why. That knife looks cool, though.

It is all grown up… [The BIG Watch Forum]

Plutocrats Take Note: ArtyA Introduces The “Bye Bye Euro” Watch

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Need to check if you’re late to your Bilderberg meeting? What better way than to wear the Bye Bye Euro watch, a timepiece that celebrates the death of Europe’s last great financial hope.

Our old, crazy buddies at ArtyA made the watch in their “crushed” case – a case that’s zapped with wild amounts of electricity – and then stuffed shredded euro behind the dial. Sure it’s a little pretentious, but for 5900 CHF you, too, can celebrate the sorrow of the 99% in style!

A Jaeger LeCoultre disaster

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So wait… Japan is eating your market share so you launch THIS? People must have been stupider in the seventies.

THE WATCHISMO TIMES: The Jaeger LeCoultre Wrist Discotheque of 1975